i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
