you would pick up someone in the library
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
