We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
