hell yes lets make some ravioli
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
you had me at cake vodka
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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