Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
