Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
