remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
