The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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