I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
