i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
