if you like me you must not know who I am
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
