he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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