bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
