the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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