Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
