I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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