Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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