hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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