I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Pants are for mortals
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
