I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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