I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
God I need to hump something, right now.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
