she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
