Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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