and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
