Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
