We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
