My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
