capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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