Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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