I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
