if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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