Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
