Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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