his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
