I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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