my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
