Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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