I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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