Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
someone owes me an orgasm
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
