the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
