remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
