The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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