Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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