WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
