I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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