Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
