The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize