This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
