Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
