There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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