so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
