So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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