Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
