theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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