Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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