stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
