I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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