I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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