and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
